Grief hits when you least expect it.

Grief hits you when you least expect it.

When you feel like you are floating on top of the world, something comes along and like a punch to the stomach you fall back to earth with a bump. Hurtling at a crazy speed, knocking branches along the way, hitting the tarmac and then feeling like you have to get up, pick up all of your broken pieces, dust yourself off and carry on with life like before.

We’ve moved home, and I thought all of the fertility stuff would stay in the ‘before’ for now.

Before we moved.

Before we started again.

Before we had a fresh start.

But, it’s just not how it works, life isn’t a simple before and after.

Painting our bedroom ended in tears.

All I wanted was to be painting a babies room, fussing over colours, deciding if we would go for classic pink or blue or be in the neutral camp.

Sorting rooms ended in tears.

We have a dressing room.

No babies room.

No rooms being saved for little ones in the future this time round.

No getting things ready for adoption processes that wouldn’t complete.

I love my dressing room, I could sit in there for hours, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I would give up every room i love if it meant one had a baby gurgling away in their cot.

Reading pregnancy announcements had ended in tears. I would NEVER wish what we’ve experienced on anyone, but it doesn’t make me feel any less alone, jealous and sad. I want to be with everyone posting cute little baby grows announcing that ‘mum and dad didn’t listen to social distancing’.

If I had a pound for every time someone said ‘new house, new baby’ I would be very very rich by now!

We’ve wished it more than anything.

I don’t know what I grieve for more, the babies we’ve lost and long for, or the person I used to be.

I used to think you could only grieve when someone had passed away, and things got easier over time, but how wrong was I!

I feel like I’ve lost out on so much, first steps, first words, first day at school.

And it will just continue each year that passes.

Since we’ve moved we’ve decided to try and move forwards with our lives. We used to put so much on hold because we would be pregnant, or should have had a baby by such and such date. We didn’t want to plan or organise anything just incase.

Incase we were pregnant again.

Incase we had a baby and couldn’t attend.

Incase we lost another baby.

Even though Covid-19 and lockdowns have affected lots of ideas we have started planning again.

I no longer feel in limbo with life.

It’s hard, harder than I imagined. It sounds silly to me to say out loud.

I’m scared to book trips and plan for the future, but we are doing it anyway. Big girl pants on, Chris holding my hand along the way, and we are going to live again.

I was reading a post about 7 steps of grief. One of them was acceptance and hope. I don’t think I’ll every accept that we lost babies and that right now life looks like we won’t ever bring a child home. It’s hard to hope, as we no longer get excited and keep our cards close to our chest in terms of how we are feeling and what we want.

Who knows what next year will bring, hopefully IVF and a bring home baby.

But what I do know for certain that it will bring us adventure again.

Things to look forwards to.

Plans in the diary.

A reason to get up and get on with each day, like we did before while we were still in our naive pre baby loss world.

So if you are grieving, or still struggling to find that reason to get up out of bed in the morning, I want to promise it will get better. It may not for a long time, it may take one tiny step at a time. It may take one step forwards, ten steps back, or you may want or need some extra help from Doctors or professionals.

But, just know I’m rooting for you to.

Whether that’s baby dust and all the wishes your way, or that lighter days reach you soon, I’m right here cheering you on.

Sammy xx


In a fertility flump…where we are now.

Dandelion wishes.

I have popped some updates on my Instagram page but there is only so much you can fit in a caption or story!

I’m in a fertility flump…a phrase i read online once, and what a perfect line to explain how i feel right now! At my last appointment with the recurrent miscarriage consultant my blood tests had increased, meaning the thyroid medication i have been taking since November needed to be increased. It was a hard pill to swallow, pardon the pun, as i along with the consultant expected my levels to be normal.

I am not an expert when it comes to the blood tests as its a pretty new thing. Ask me about blood tests relating to Chris’s heart condition and i can talk for days, this not so much!

My understanding is that my result has always been satisfactory and under the normal level, but the fertility clinic have a lower level that they consider normal. 4 is normal, the hospital want it under 2.5 and my result was 3.6. I started 25mcg of thyroid medication and my reuslt is now 4.9 so my medication has been increased to 75mcg. The consultant doesn’t know why its increased.

The side effects have knocked me for six the last week. Headaches every day, feeling sick, drained and tired and i have never been so sweaty in my life, but if they do their job i wont complain…well maybe only a little bit! I have to have blood tests again in 6 weeks to see if they are helping lower the levels.

I am normally a ‘glass half full’ type of person, but infertility is bloody hard and there has definitely been some half glass empty days in the last few months. It’s like the saying ‘some see a weed, some see a wish’. Everything is definitely looking like weeds at the moment, but hopefully there will be lots of wishes in my garden again soon.

I thought i would share some of the natural approaches i have been taking to infertility, i think it really helps my mental health, and personally i am a big believer that natural things can help just as much as Doctors and medicine.

Wild nutrition.

We have recently started taking Wild nutrition fertility supplements and i have started taking extra vitamin D, iron and folic acid. They are food grown supplements, and don’t taste as bad as most vitamins do! I haven’t been taking them long, but i don’t get sick after taking them like i have with other brands. This link will give you £10 off.

Nothing fishy omega 3.

Another supplement i am taking are omega 3 from Nothing fishy. I am not a fan of fish, so it was something i needed, and these are safe for pregnancy.

Yes mum fertility affirmation cards.

PMA- positive mental attitude…these Yes mum fertility affirmation cards are the perfect thing to read when i wake up in the morning or when i am having a wobble.

Each pack has 31 cards, and comes in a little box the perfect size to pop in your pocket or bag. I read one each morning, or just before an appointment. I find they really help as a little pick me up, and if we are lucky enough to have a baby i will definitely be purchasing some of the other collections that are available.

Infertility crystal prescription.

I am a massive believer in crystals, this infertility prescription from San circle crystal prescription contains Garnet, Rainbow Moonstone, Red Tigers Eye, Shiva Lingham and Green Jade. I love the quote on their website ‘Mother natures medicine cabinet’. At the moment i keep them in a bag by my bed but i will start carrying them around with me in the day as suggested in the instructions.

Martha Brook stationery.

Hands down the lushest notebook i have ever purchased! It’s from Martha Brook and was a custom cover that i requested. I use it to keep notes from the appointments or to remind myself of any questions that i need to ask, also just to keep notes of our fertility journey. Its not all doom and gloom and is something i want to look back on and read about in the future, hopefully a book for future babies to look back and read as well!

I won a competition for preconception support in the nutrition clinic with Laura at The pregnancy food co. I highly recommend following their Instagram page, its full of helpful hints and tips. I will definitely post an update about this at a later date, but so far Laura’s help has been amazing.

We’ve also tried a few other things, including Ovusense and Conceive plus, but i haven’t been using these for long so the verdict is still out, i will update in a few months.

Even if this helps just one woman feel not so alone i’ll be happy. I think infertility is one of the most isolating things i have ever gone through.

Sammy xx

*DISCLAIMER- The above supplements are being taken with the advice and support of my consultant, please ensure you seek medical/professional advice before starting any supplements.*

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