Grief hits you when you least expect it.
When you feel like you are floating on top of the world, something comes along and like a punch to the stomach you fall back to earth with a bump. Hurtling at a crazy speed, knocking branches along the way, hitting the tarmac and then feeling like you have to get up, pick up all of your broken pieces, dust yourself off and carry on with life like before.
We’ve moved home, and I thought all of the fertility stuff would stay in the ‘before’ for now.
Before we moved.
Before we started again.
Before we had a fresh start.
But, it’s just not how it works, life isn’t a simple before and after.
Painting our bedroom ended in tears.
All I wanted was to be painting a babies room, fussing over colours, deciding if we would go for classic pink or blue or be in the neutral camp.
Sorting rooms ended in tears.
We have a dressing room.
No babies room.
No rooms being saved for little ones in the future this time round.
No getting things ready for adoption processes that wouldn’t complete.
I love my dressing room, I could sit in there for hours, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I would give up every room i love if it meant one had a baby gurgling away in their cot.
Reading pregnancy announcements had ended in tears. I would NEVER wish what we’ve experienced on anyone, but it doesn’t make me feel any less alone, jealous and sad. I want to be with everyone posting cute little baby grows announcing that ‘mum and dad didn’t listen to social distancing’.
If I had a pound for every time someone said ‘new house, new baby’ I would be very very rich by now!
We’ve wished it more than anything.
I don’t know what I grieve for more, the babies we’ve lost and long for, or the person I used to be.
I used to think you could only grieve when someone had passed away, and things got easier over time, but how wrong was I!
I feel like I’ve lost out on so much, first steps, first words, first day at school.
And it will just continue each year that passes.
Since we’ve moved we’ve decided to try and move forwards with our lives. We used to put so much on hold because we would be pregnant, or should have had a baby by such and such date. We didn’t want to plan or organise anything just incase.
Incase we were pregnant again.
Incase we had a baby and couldn’t attend.
Incase we lost another baby.
Even though Covid-19 and lockdowns have affected lots of ideas we have started planning again.
I no longer feel in limbo with life.
It’s hard, harder than I imagined. It sounds silly to me to say out loud.
I’m scared to book trips and plan for the future, but we are doing it anyway. Big girl pants on, Chris holding my hand along the way, and we are going to live again.
I was reading a post about 7 steps of grief. One of them was acceptance and hope. I don’t think I’ll every accept that we lost babies and that right now life looks like we won’t ever bring a child home. It’s hard to hope, as we no longer get excited and keep our cards close to our chest in terms of how we are feeling and what we want.
Who knows what next year will bring, hopefully IVF and a bring home baby.
But what I do know for certain that it will bring us adventure again.
Things to look forwards to.
Plans in the diary.
A reason to get up and get on with each day, like we did before while we were still in our naive pre baby loss world.
So if you are grieving, or still struggling to find that reason to get up out of bed in the morning, I want to promise it will get better. It may not for a long time, it may take one tiny step at a time. It may take one step forwards, ten steps back, or you may want or need some extra help from Doctors or professionals.
But, just know I’m rooting for you to.
Whether that’s baby dust and all the wishes your way, or that lighter days reach you soon, I’m right here cheering you on.
Sammy xx
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